Speakers
World-class experts sharing insights on distributed systems, decentralized infrastructure, and the future of bowel-chain technology.
Dr. Barry Bowels
Chief Research Officer, FlushChain
Tokenizing Waste: A 47-Page Whitepaper Nobody Will Read
Dr. Bowels holds a PhD from a university that no longer exists. He has been quoted in CoinDesk 412 times, exclusively about things he did not actually say. Currently raising a Series D at a $9B valuation despite having no revenue.
Linda Loos
Chief Pipeline Officer, FlushChain
We Raised $290M and All I Got Was This Lousy S-Bend
Linda manages a team of 3 engineers and 41 community managers. She is contractually obligated to say 'we are early' at least once per panel. Forbes 30 Under 30 (Restitution Pending).
Richard Richards
Founder & Sole Employee, BrownPaper Protocol
Brown Paper: Why Satoshi Was Probably a Plumber
Richard previously founded three bathroom SaaS startups, all of which were acquired for tax purposes. He lives in a 'crypto compound' in Puerto Rico that is legally a Wendy's.
Penny Poots
VP of Gas Economics, Stool Capital
Hyperinflation, But For Farts: A Macroeconomic Deep Dive
Penny invented the Poots Curve, which proves that any fee can be justified if you say 'L2' enough times. She has a PhD from MIT (Memecoin Investment Technologies).
Mason Mason
Lead Constipation Engineer, PipeDAO
Proof-of-Wait: Why Your Transaction Took Six Business Days
Mason has been described as 'a person who exists' by his LinkedIn endorsers. He is the original author of the Bowel-Chain Yellow Paper, which he wrote on a single Notes app entry on his iPhone.
Dr. Anita Dump
Privacy Researcher, Independent (Court-Ordered)
Zero-Knowledge Proofs You Were Even at the Office Today
Dr. Dump pioneered the field of cryptographic plausible deniability. Her last three Twitter Spaces ended in a coordinated raid by the SEC. She has never lost a CTF challenge or a custody dispute.
Chris Plummer
Infrastructure Lead, The Pipe Network
We Are Pivoting to AI (Again)
Chris manages 50,000 nodes, 49,000 of which are a single Raspberry Pi in his garage in Henderson. Previously 'led data center operations' at AWS (Amazon Worker Sortation, the warehouse).
Dr. Hugh Jass
Security Auditor, Independent
How I Drained $14M From a Protocol and Called It a 'Whitehat Rescue'
Dr. Jass has identified 'critical vulnerabilities' in 380 protocols, 379 of which were vulnerable to him personally. He returned the funds, minus a 95% bounty. Speaking via Zoom from an undisclosed location.
Seymour Butts
Chief Analytics Officer, Urethra Ventures
Real Estate, But On The Blockchain, But Worse
Seymour built the first dashboard with 14 vanity metrics and zero users. His Substack 'Number Goes Up: A Newsletter' has 9 paid subscribers, 8 of whom are him on different emails.
Oliver Klozoff
Director of Sanitation, Porcelain Protocol
Ceramic Consensus: Trust That Cracks Under Light Pressure
Oliver brings 20 years of experience consisting almost entirely of LinkedIn posts about leadership. He believes 'the technology is sound' even though it has not yet been written.
Alotta Fagina
Community Lead, ToiletDAO
Governance: How 4 Whales Outvoted 49,996 People (And Why That's Fine)
Alotta grew ToiletDAO from 12 mods to 50,000 alleged contributors, 49,000 of whom are confirmed bots and 800 of whom are her cousin Greg. Pioneer of 'vibes-based quadratic voting.'
Mike Rotch
Founding Engineer, GasFee Labs
Dynamic Pricing: Charging You More Because You Look Desperate
Mike's pricing algorithm is just a single line of Python that returns Math.random() * 9999. It has been adopted by 80% of bowel-chain networks. He has been a Forbes contributor for one (1) post.